[My Five Favorite Things About The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One. No, Really.]

Before we begin, I should mention that my previous Twilight experience consisted of reading 2/3 of the first book before metaphorically throwing it across the room, & watching the baseball scene from the first movie twice on YouTube.

Also, I once read a truly amazing series of illustrated recaps on LiveJournal, where Alice was played by Bjork. Thanks to that, I knew that Breaking Dawn was the movie where all the crazy shit went down: the honeymoon with a side of domestic violence, the instant pregnancy, the chewing open of the womb, and last, but not least, the fresh-outta-high-school werewolf deciding that this newborn baby is exactly the sort of lady he’s been looking for.

Luckily, even though the final book has been split into two movies, all of that happened in the first movie, making it an obvious must-see. So we did. Of course it was terrible. Of course it was! There’s no way for it not to be. The story, the script, the acting, the music, all of it is terrible. That said, here are my five favorite things about the movie:

1) The actual film-going experience. First we saw Arthur Christmas (which was pretty strange), then met friends with vastly more Twilight experience for Breaking Dawn. If you plan to see it, I advise you do the same thing: go with people who know something about Twilight, and leave time to go out afterwards so they can explain everything. Trust me; you’ll have questions.

2) Michael Sheen spending about 30 seconds chewing the scenery during the closing credits. This was the best part of the movie to such a degree that it damn near talked me into seeing the last one, which apparently involves a vampire war? Where one presumes he & Lee Pace will both chew a lot of scenery? We’ll see how I feel when it actually comes out. I might have come to my senses by then.

3) Anna Kendrick being snarky. I love her anyway, and apparently it was her job to say what we all were thinking. Unfortunately, she isn’t around for nearly enough of the movie.

4) The werewolf council scene, which was essentially Snow Dogs but with werewolves. Though Snow Dogs probably had better effects.

5) Taylor Lautner being ridiculous. For example, he managed to remove his shirt within five seconds of the start of the picture. Not that I want him to take his shirt off, but I think that must be some sort of land speed record. Also, I enjoyed all of the bits where he tried really hard to act, particularly when he attempted to keep a straight face when Bella tells him she wants to name the baby Renesmee. Not to mention the whole imprinting thing, about which the less said the better.

So. There you go. Much as I hate to harsh other people’s squee, I genuinely do not understand you people who love the books or the movies. I tried! I love terrible books & movies too, but apparently not this set. In particular, I have a really difficult time with the racism and the domestic violence. Sorry about that.

Related, it was an unpleasant surprise in this one to find out that the racism isn’t limited to Meyer’s exploitation of the Quileute tribe. Thanks, unexpected trip to Brazil, home of more folks with mysterious legends about blood-sucking demons!


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