[Drive Angry 3D]

This is what we knew about Drive Angry going into it: Nicolas Cage breaks out of Hell and/or prison to prevent his grandchild from being sacrificed to Satan. And William Fichtner looked badass in the trailer as The Accountant. Whatever that meant.

Based on this (car chases and also devil worshiping!), we believed this movie had the potential to rank right up there with our beloved Legion.

Sadly, this was not so. Instead it was pretty much a case study of what my mom thinks *all* movies are: purely gratuitous sex & violence. Seriously, there was an astonishing amount of sex. There was at least as much sex as there was angry driving, and that includes the initial drive out of hell. Because that’s how one gets out, apparently. Now you know.

Three things that would have made the film more entertaining, at least to me:

1) If the baby had been recovered further from the end of the feature, so that Cage would be forced to Drive Angry with an infant seat & a baby-on-board sign.

2) If “3D” had been a part of the title, standing for something infinitely more awesome than headache-inducing 3 dimensions.

3) If Cage had acquired X-ray vision after *spoiler* he magically recovers from being shot in the eye.

Since none of these things happened, you should not see this movie at all. You should wait for Priest, which at least will include an inexplicably tattooed Paul Bettany trying to rescue a girl rather than Nicolas Cage with really bad hair trying to rescue a girl.

The only thing that was genuinely entertaining was Fichtner, The Accountant sent from Hell to retrieve Cage. He was pretty fabulous, like he knew exactly what sort of movie he was in and decided to have fun with it. He’s not in it enough to make it worth your time, let alone 3D prices.

If you must go to the movies this weekend, skip everything that’s actually opening & make a dent in seeing Oscar nominees instead.